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Payton Elise Carter - June 21, 2013

Our sleeping angel – Payton Elise Carter

It was late Thursday night, June 20, 2013, when your mommy called me to say that she had been having really bad pains for a few hours. She thought that she might be in labor but didn’t really know. I sort of chuckled because I remember the not knowing for sure if this was “it”. Your daddy was not at home and I offered to pick her up and drive her to the hospital. Your daddy was already on his way to make sure the his two princesses were delivered safely. Your aunt Jonna & I excitedly grabbed our things and headed to the hospital. I didn’t wake up your pappy because I wanted to be sure it was not a false alarm and have him get up for nothing. Looking back I really wish that I had awoken him to go with us. Well sweet girl, your silly nanny ended up at the hospital way before mommy and daddy did. I had the lady start the paperwork for your mommy so that they could just take her to Labor and Delivery. Aunt Jonna & I had a wheelchair outside and I told your daddy that I would park the car when they got there. A little bit after midnight on Friday, June 21, 2013, I saw the car with your mommy and daddy. He pulled up with his emergency flashers on and mommy in pain. I took the car and parked it while they got mommy and daddy on the move for the long trip to the other side of the hospital where the Labor and Deliver department is located. Aunt Jonna waited for me and we did make it up there and found a waiting area. We just thought that they would be examining your mommy and calming her down a bit. Then we were certain that they would let us back to see her. My plan was to call your pappy and everyone else once they told us that you were on your way. We waited and waited for what seemed like forever but it still did not seem out of the ordinary. Every delivery and every baby is different and you my sweet angel were no exception. At 1:11 Am, I could no longer wait and your Aunt Jonna reminded me that your daddy had his cell phone with him. So I sent a text message. “Any news?” At 1:25 AM, I received his reply “They can’t find a heart beat.” Followed at 1:26 AM with “They didn’t find one”. My mind couldn’t comprehend what he was texting to me. At 1:26 AM, I sent “OMG! Now what baby?” At 1:27 AM, he sent “Idk”. My mind was scrambling and everything seemed so unreal and like it was happening to someone else and I so selfishly wanted it to be happening to anyone else but our family. At 1:31 AM, my text read “What is the dr saying? Is there anything i can do?” After I sent that message I started walking to find your daddy and mommy. I needed to know what was happening and why they were not doing everything that you see on television. Why weren’t they saving you and letting us be whole again? I handed Aunt Jonna the phone and a few seconds later she said “Mom” and I turned and with one look at her face and the tears that were flowing down her cheeks I knew that the message on the phone that she was trying to hand me was going to destroy me. I kept shaking my head and saying “No”, “No, Jonna! and the tears started flowing down my face. I walked closer and took the phone from her. And it was just like that at 1:33 AM, on June 21st, 2013 with the text from your daddy “They said Shes gone mom” that changed our family forever! I wanted and needed to get to your daddy. I needed to see and touch him and my sweet Paige. There were a few more quick texts back and forth – “Where are you!” – “Back here in the room” -”What room baby?” – “Idk thru the nicu”. I found double doors and I could hear your mommy crying and asking why? Why didn’t they deliver you last Friday when she had asked them to? You were fine then. I could hear her sobbing and crying and I couldn’t get those doors to open. I knocked on them and pushed but nothing happened. Aunt Jonna looked for a button or something to push to help us get in there. I saw another set off doors and I went through them. I saw nurses just standing around and I told them that I needed to be with my son. Jonna & I went went to the room where we heard your mommy and daddy. They were in there alone and crying. I still didn’t understand (to be honest baby girl, I still do not understand today) why or what happened. I thought shouldn’t they be trying? I went to find your mommies doctor to see what was going on and just to get some answers. No one seemed to be in a hurry and I just did not understand why. I found the doctor and nurse who had been taking care of mommy and they are the ones who broke the news to mommy and daddy and now to your nanny. They said that you had been gone for several days and mommy just didn’t know it. It was too late to do anything for you and now we had to wait for mommy to deliver you. They said that they were just giving them some time alone to process the information. What does that even mean? Process? Does it some how make it all better because you have had time to think about it? It doesn’t!

They eventually went back in and talked to your mommy and daddy. I really do not remember much to be honest. I know that your mommy called your grandmother in California (her mom) and your grandfather (in Rockwall, TX). I am not sure who else was called. I can’t remember if they asked us to step out while they talked or if I was in the room when they were talking. There are parts of that morning that are still a blur to me. I called your pappy and told him over the phone that you were gone. What was I thinking? Telling him something so life changing like that and over the telephone? My only answer to that is that I was not thinking. I called my sister in Maryland and it was around 3 AM there when I called. Calling her didn’t change the fact that you were gone so why didn’t I let her sleep peacefully for a few more hours?Why did everyone have to share this horrific pain with me? Again, me being selfish. I asked her to call my mom (your Old Nan) & dad (your Old Pap) in a few hours to let them and my other sister (Aunt Becky -everyone calls her Aunt “B”) know. I just didn’t want to wake anyone else up with this news. The only person that didn’t know that you were gone was your uncle Jerrod. I didn’t even think to call him and wake him up. His younger brother’s baby girl is gone and I didn’t call him. I had posted on Facebook that you were gone and around 5 AM, I realized that Jerrod didn’t know. I didn’t want him to log onto Facebook and see this news or have someone else tell him. That was my job as his mom. So I called him and there was no answer. So back to text messaging. At 5:09 AM I sent “Call me!” and he called me back immediately. I broke the news to him and he was worried about your daddy. (Your uncle is such a good big brother. You would have loved him! He & daddy are only 17 1/2 months apart and your daddy used to protect uncle Jerrod when they were little. Uncle Jerrod is bigger but he didn’t like to fight. Your daddy, on the other hand, was always ready if someone said or did something to him or his brother and little sister when aunt Jonna came along.) Now everyone that we needed to know immediately knew that you were not going to be joining us here on earth in the way that we had hoped.

The doctor told us that they were going to move mommy and daddy to a different room. They gave mommy some medicine to help start her into labor to deliver you. They told us that it was going to take a long time and it might even be the next day before you were here. I just could not understand why they would make your mommy go through that when I thought that they should have put her under (sedated her) and then do a c-section. Why make her go through a natural delivery only to know your gone? They had their reasons and later explained to me why. At the time it seemed like cruel and unusual punishment. It may have saved her life and so I can’t be mad at them for that anymore.

Pappy came and he held me tight. I needed that so much little girl. We went in to see your mommy and daddy. Pappy hugged and kissed his boy and then he went to our sweet girl Paige. He hugged and kissed your momma too. She cried a little bit but I think that they must have given her something to calm down because she seemed more mellow. Eventually the pains were back or maybe they had never really left and the shock of your loss had just dulled them for a time. Either way they were back and she was in a lot of pain. The anesthesiologist (fancy word for doctor with the good stuff) came to do an epidural (something to block the pain). Everyone but daddy had to leave the room. We sat in the hallway trying to still absorb what was happening. We were also waiting for your mommies sister, aunt Lauren, to get there and your grandfather, Sean (mommies daddy) for your mommy. Pappy & I love your mommy but I think that she needed her own family there too. Your aunt Lauren got there and a while later your grandfather and step-grandmother arrived. Everyone went in the room and mommy hugged and cried with them too. Daddy sat there looking like a lost little boy. To me, he will always be my little boy.

After a few hours of waiting around they told us that it would probably be noon or later before you were born and that we should all go home for a while. They were going to try to get mommy and daddy to sleep a little bit. Daddy promised to call when anything was happening. So Pappy, Aunt Jonna and I went home to try to rest before your arrival.

I remember coming home and pappy going into the bedroom to lay down. Aunt Jonna went in the room and was greeted with Jean Luc’s arms hugging her. I am sure that she glanced at your cousin, Miah sleeping in his bed and then she got your cousin Ethan, who had just arrived on June 12, 2013. I am sure she held him a little tighter that morning before drifting off to sleep. I laid on the couch and prayed. I prayed for crazy things. I prayed for him to take me and let them have you so that they could be happy, excited and smiling again. I prayed that when you were delivered that you would be crying and the doctors would all be shocked and say “It’s a miracle!” I did finally drift off to sleep for a few hours.

At 9:15 AM, I was awakened by a text message from your daddy. It said “She’s bout to have her”. I sent back “I am will there in a, little bit baby.” It is a good thing that none of were paying attention to what we were writing or how it was written. At least he knew we were on our way. I jumped up and starting grabbing shoes and woke up pappy. We both dressed quickly. We told Aunt Jonna that we were leaving and we would let her know when we did. I still had hope in my heart that they were going to be wrong and when we got there that your mommy and daddy would be smiling and holding you in their arms. Everything the way it should have been all along.

At 9:40 AM we met your grandfather and step-grandmother down the hallway from the room. They said the nurses said that your mommy didn’t want any visitors. I told them that your daddy had sent me that message and that maybe you were being born. They had me text your daddy again. This is what I sent to him. “We are all out here if you want us just say the word sweetheart.” At 9:42 AM, he sent back “They are gunna clean her up first then we will let you guys” I knew that my prayers had not been answered and my heart broke all over again. I just sent him back this message. “Okay baby. Take your time.”

Why couldn’t we have had that miracle? I have always been a believer and I have always prayed every night for my family and others who have asked me to pray for them. So where was God when I needed him the most? Why did he take you when you were so wanted? Why do horrible people have babies that they do not want or love when he takes the ones that were? Why did we have so little time with you? WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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