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Well baby girl, it is officially July 7th, my 47th birthday. The only present that I want this year I just cannot have. It is to have you in your crib with your mommy and daddy close by snoring softly. They finally tried to get a way for a few days and I think that they even enjoyed themselves while they were gone. Then they came home and it is back to feeling your loss. You are everywhere in the house little angel girl.

While they were gone, I went there to check on Ty and I decided to really clean the house for them just as a surprise. I put Ty outside so that the big monster wouldn’t be in my way. Boy that ended up being a huge mistake! He tore up garbage that was put outside. Wanted to strangle your puppy! I cleaned and cleaned so that everything was nice, neat, and sweet smelling. I had all of the rooms done but yours. I put it off because when I had been there two days earlier and it did not go well for me.

I had been to the house since your memorial service, but not in your room. When I went in there for the first time, it was just getting dark outside so the room wasn’t lit very brightly. I saw your crib sitting there all made up and ready for you to be in it. I walked over and looked down hoping that you would be there and these last few weeks were just a nightmare that I was having. But you weren’t and it’s not. I just stood in your room looking around at all of the little girl clothes hanging on their hangers. All of the furniture, strollers, bouncing seats, Car seats, diapers, formula, and then I saw the purple box from the hospital that had your stuff inside. I noticed the futon was made out into a bed with pillows and a blanket that indicated that they were sleeping in there. It broke my heart to know that they are sleeping in there and you are not. It took my breath and I do not know how they are doing it at all. I just stood there cried for a few minutes until your Aunt Jonna came in and hugged me.

The next day at my house when no one was there and I was just hanging up your pappy’s clean clothes it just hit me again. Such overwhelming grief over you and for your mommy and daddy. I just stood in the closet holding a hanger and sobbed uncontrollably for a good ten minutes. So when I went to clean your room, I tried to get myself prepared. I knew that I would end up in tears, but I still wanted and I think needed to do it for me as much as for them. I cleaned up the room and put things in the closet and I moved things so they are not so in their faces. I didn’t take anything down or really move a lot of things because there are boundaries and I do not want to cross any by accident.

I picked up the purple box and looked inside at all of the things in there. The little angel layette that you were wearing when I held you last was folded inside along with the bands from the hospital, the clippings of your hair, many other things too, and then I saw the pages that they gave to your mommy and daddy with your information on it along with your sweet little feet and hand prints. It showed information that I did not know for sure and I never wanted to ask your parents. It showed that you arrived into this world at 9:33 A.M. on June 21, 2013. You were 19 inches long and you weighed 6 lbs. 3 ozs. Little things but things I wanted to know and remember too. I finished your room and made the futon up so that they could sleep there if they wanted still. I scrubbed the floors and then I walked over your crib and placed the purple box inside I kissed the top of it and told you “Goodnight sweetheart nanny loves you.” I then pulled your bedroom door shut.

I believe that you are where ever we are and I pray that is true. I just wanted to spend a little bit of my birthday with just you my precious granddaughter, Payton Elise, and I wanted to tell you again. “Nanny loves you sweetheart! To Heaven and Back, For Always and Forever! Sweet Dreams baby girl. Come visit me in mine so I know that you’re alright.

As always,

Payton’s NannyImage