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Usually my posts are to Payton, but tonight this one is to you God.

I do believe in you and I want to know where I will spend eternity. I have tried to be the kind of person that you wanted me to be. I try to help others, no matter what the cost to me and I try my best to follow your teachings and your rules. When I fail I always ask for your forgiveness.

I see all of these horrible stories about people who had the privilege to be parents and they do unspeakable things to those children. Some even murder them. Why take this little girl who was soooooooooo wanted and sooooooooooo loved – even before we knew her? I know that it is beyond my understanding and I know that you sent your son to die for us. In the end, it was his choice to do so and he had a life before he made that choice. Why couldn’t Payton have had the same?

I feel so angry and then I feel guilty for this anger. I want my granddaughter back! Please…take us back to June 15th and let me plead with Paige’s doctor to deliver Payton then like she wanted. Just a few days earlier and she would be in her crib and I would have been making the drive back and forth to their place to hold her. Just a few days and this post wouldn’t exist and I wouldn’t hurt like this. Those kids wouldn’t hurt like this and they would be together instead of apart like they are now. I want my family restored and whole.

My sister says that you will understand my anger and pain that you will even take it, but I just want to understand why Payton? Why any child? Why cancer, car accidents, underdeveloped lungs or other horrible diseases? You are in control so why let these things happen? I have always thanked you for the good things and the bad things in my life because without the one I might not appreciate the other. That has been the hardest part of my prayers these last three weeks. I wonder now did that pray make this happen? I will never say it again because I am terrified of what may come from those words being spoken or just thought anymore.  I will still ask you to forgive me for my anger and to please keep watch over my sweet angel girl.

Please tell her that her nanny loves her to heaven and back forever and always!

Payton’s nanny

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