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Hello My Sweet Angel Girl,

I have tried to stay away from this page because it brings me both comfort and pain. The comfort in putting my feelings out there for you to know and in the same vein that is where the pain comes in. The pain of not watching those milestone moments with you and watching you become the fierce and fiery little girl that I know you would become. It has been almost 4 months and there is not a day nor an hour when I am awake that I am not thinking about you. It consumes me sometimes and it is really hard to walk away from the grief. Whoever said it gets easier really cannot speak for everyone. I have gotten better at hiding it from most people but it is certainly not easier. I do not know if it is this way because of Jess passing so soon after you and that it is just unreal and seems so unfair to me that two beautiful and young girls are no longer here. I took flowers to the crash site a few days ago and the tears still flow every time that I think of her there in the dark. The not knowing is sometimes worse than the knowing. I can only hope that it was immediate and that she did not feel anything or have time to think of anything. I pray that one minute she was in the car with Cory and the next she was in heaven. That is my hope for all who go too soon but especially those that I love. 

Your mommy and daddy finally moved and packed up your little things. They have them all stored in boxes in the apartment. They are going to try to get a house after the beginning of the year now. The house that they were going to get did not pass all of the inspections and they took that as a sign that they needed to wait. Plus with not knowing if your big half-brother will be living with them or not was another factor. They want to include him in the move and making a new place for them all. I asked Jess to watch over you and help us so that your mommy and daddy can watch over Cammy J for her. I think that she would be okay with that and Cammy J needs everyone who loves him in his life now that his mommy is in heaven with you sweet baby.

The next court date is on October 21st. That was my little brother’s birthday and the day he died too plus you would have been 4 months old on that date. I am hoping that it can be a good sign and that the date will bring something good instead of bad this time. We really need something good to happen on the 21st. Anything that you can do to help us out there would be great. I worry about your daddy and mommy so much.

I love you my dearest Payton Elise Carter and I so so so miss you!!

I love you to Heaven and back ~Forever and always!~

As always,

Your Nanny

 

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