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Hello my sweet angel girl,

I have not been on here for a while not because I do not think about you every waking moment. I have tried to keep myself busy with school and your cousins but it does not take away my missing you my sweet princess. I try to hide the mind numbing but not soul or heart numbing pain that I forever feel from your loss. As I watch Ethan making those little strides and milestones that you should have been making along side of him it is just a constant reminder of what has been lost forever to us. Everything is different and nothing feels the same. The joy, the happiness and the hope that was always so ever present is so hard to find. So many times, I just want to plead to be with you again and to hold you again. To just touch you again and to have you feel warm in my arms and not so cold. I still feel that coldness in my arms and I want to SCREAM for it to all still be a nightmare that I will eventually wake up from but I do not.  I had planned to spend the day with you at your place today but the rain and cold kept me a way. I wanted to give you your Christmas present and read you The Night Before Christmas. I wanted to sing Christmas carols and tell you what Christmas is really all about but I suppose that you know that better than even I do now.

I try to take comfort in knowing that you are celebrating every milestone and every day with Jesus. I am just so jealous baby girl because I want you to be here with your beautiful mommy and your so handsome daddy. They are still reeling and not able to move forward. We do not see or talk to them like we always did before you left us even though I try too. I am not even sure if they will be here for Christmas or if they will be staying home. It is all of the not knowing that is the hardest. Not knowing how your big brother is doing now that his mommy is there in heaven with you, not knowing if your mommy and daddy are okay, not knowing if and when your Aunt Jonna will be moving away with your cousins and if they will be alright, not knowing if your Uncle Jerrod will be able to get a new job soon or what will happen with him because he is so far away from home and then lots of things going on with your pappy. I know that you know and are watching over all of them and I thank you for sweet angel baby for that.

I just needed my Payton Elise time today. It does not seem like six months have passed because I still relive your loss every Thursday night and every Friday since you came and went so quietly. Nanny misses you so-so much sweetheart. I love you to heaven and back ~forever and always!~ 

As always and forever,

Your Nanny

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