Happy 3rd birthday/angelversary my love, Payton Elise Carter. Nanny misses you so much today. I have not written on here in a long while because I keep feeling like it is holding me back from healing and moving on..whatever that is supposed to mean. But this is my safe place and sanctuary to say what I am feeling and thinking that I just cannot seem to do elsewhere because I am supposed to be the strong one. I still want to scream at people who tell me that it will get better and that you are in a better place. What better place is there than with your mommy, daddy, and family who love you? (That is my illogical heart and mind speaking.) I know that you ARE where we all want to be one day and that you are even more beautiful than I remember. You are perfect and whole. You are surrounded by nothing but love and you will never know grief or heartbreak. I am so thankful for that. Your Auntie Jonna thinks that Ethan’s birthday is forever tainted by your death but he is what helps me get up in the mornings. Watching him is bitter sweet because I think of every milestone, every sweet little hug, kiss, or squeezes and I think of you doing the same. When he discovers something new about the world, I wonder if you would have discovered it too or would you have already done so. Nine days…and such a different path our lives took. The highest of highs on June 12th when Ethan was born and the lowest of lows on June 21st when you entered beautifully but silent. So much has happened and so much has changed but the one constant is that we are forever changed and forever broken by your loss. I want to put on a happy face and to pretend that I am not still so devastated but I can’t. I try my best for the world because they do not really want to see or know this pain. I do not wish it on anyone for anything. I reach out and pray to God because he knows this hurt and loss because he gave his only son for all of us sinners. Because of that you now live with him in paradise. That is what gets me through today and all of the others between now and when we are together again. I will be going to our place later today and sending you your birthday balloons. I hope they reach heaven. I love you my sweet angel girl. ForeverĀ  and Always ~To Heaven & Back!~ All my love. As always, Your Nanny

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