11 Months Ago

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Hello my sweet angel girl,

Nanny’s heart is aching today. You are 11 months old today and I still can’t get past the hurt of missing you. I want to see your beautiful face and those eyes that I never saw open. I want to hear you make those baby sounds and watch you exploring and learning but it was not meant to be. There is still not a day that goes by that you are not on my mind and in my heart. I still am at a loss for why you could not stay and am so jealous of heavens gain. I know that you are with us because I see signs that you send to let us know every day. It just is not the same thing as holding you in my arms. I know that you are watching over your mommy, daddy, your big brother -Cameron and your baby brother to be -Easton Maddox. I try not to be worried for him but I am little one. We were so not prepared for what happened with you and it is unbearable to think it could happen more than once. I try to push those thoughts from my mind but I am so scared for them and him. Please guard and protect him, make him strong, healthy and please ask God to let him stay with us. He has you and your mommy’s arms are empty and aching. I will be at our place later today and I have a new pinwheel for you to play with. I know that you will let me know that you are there to when I put it next to the other playthings that nanny and everyone has left. I love you, I miss you, I want you to be happy and I want you to know how much you are still wanted and loved. I love you to Heaven and Back ~Forever and Always!~

Love you so much sweetheart! Happy 11 month birthday princess.

As always & forever,
Your Nanny

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Nine Months and still counting….

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Payton 002My sweet angel baby,

How your nanny misses you. It is not just on these milestone days there is a hole in my heart that will never heal. You are 9 months old today and I wonder what you look like now. Do you have any of those sweet baby teeth that your cousin is still trying to get to break through his gums? Are you crawling? Sitting up? Probably not because you have wings. How wonderful heaven must be especially with you in it. I know that your mommy and daddy miss you so much too and that they are trying to focus on moving forward while I seem to be stuck in this place. I know that even though they are not really telling anyone yet that you were the first to know that you are going to be a big sister in October. They are happy but so scared because of what happened to you. The doctor is running all kinds of tests on mommy and your baby brother or sister. ( I think that it will be a brother because I think it is too soon for another little girl for them.) Mommy is taking blood thinners every day to help make sure that what happened to you does not happen to this baby. She would have done it with you too, if only she had known. A simple test could have possibly meant that you would still be here with us and not there in heaven. A simple blood test that insurance doesn’t think is necessary until something horrible happens. Please keep a watch over your mommy, your daddy, your big brother -Cammy who’s mommy is there in heaven with you and this new baby too. They are still waiting to go to court to be able to have Cammy live with them while still spending time with his mommies family. July seems so far away when we want to see, love and comfort him too but we have been waiting since September already so it is not much longer now. Mommy is having an important test next week that will tell her and daddy if everything is okay and they will find out the results in three long weeks. (They will also know if your having a baby brother or a baby sister.) They would have had their hands full with you, your big brother, and this new little one. We would have helped them manage and it would have been so wonderful to have you three together.  I guess it still will be all three of you together just not in the way that I want you to be.

I love you princess of my heart. Nothing in this world will ever change my love for you sweet angel girl. I love you to heaven and back ~forever & always!~

Your Nanny

Taking Action!

Hi Sweet Angel girl,

Nanny misses you so much! People say it gets easier with time but it really does not. There is never a day that I do not think about you or Jessica. I really have to wonder how she would feel about how her family is embracing Cory while treating your daddy and Cammy’s daddy so poorly. I do not believe that she would be pleased. I think that she would probably be okay with them being some what supportive of Cory but I think that she would expect them to do that for your daddy too. Your Aunt Jonna and I went to Cory’s hearing to be there as a member of Cammy’s support team and for your daddy. He did not think that it would be good for him to attend and that it might send the wrong message. I understand being supportive and even forgiving of Cory but there was no sign of worry from him and they laughed and hugged like he was not there for taking her life. I just can’t understand that myself. While I do not think that putting him in jail for years and years is the right answer there has to be some sort of accountability from him. He already had two previous convictions that did not involve a death and that did not make him stop drinking and getting on the roadways. I am sure that right now that he is remorseful and repentant but for how long? Something needs to be done to make sure that he can never hurt another person, loved by him or not. While her family embraces him; they are still keeping all of us away from your brother. How can they be that way when Cam needs everyone who loves him to be there for him? He needs his father to keep his sense of self and to know where he comes from and he needs lots of love and understanding. I wish that they could see that too. Maybe they will one day but until then the legal fees are building up and maybe they are hoping that if he can’t afford to keep fighting that he won’t fight. I started a fund to try to raise money to help but so far there is not much support and that saddens me because we have always helped others even when we really did not have much to give. I pray that it picks up and that we can at least come up with the $1000 needed for the home study that the court is requiring before we can move forward anymore. Please pull some strings little angel girl!

Thinking about 2013 ~One last time~

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I have thought all day about 2013 and the impact this year has had on me. It has been a year like no other in my 47 years of life. (Yes, I freely admit my age.) It started with me going back to college after an almost 26 year break. I was so nervous and so excited about the possibilities and the challenges ahead. I really thought that was going to be the thing that would be the hardest for this year. Early into the New Year, we found out that we were to be grandparents again and not just once but twice. Jonna and Jean Luc were expecting a second child and then came the announcement from Cody and Paige.  We were happy, excited and a little worried for them because we still can remember what it was like to be a young parent without a lot of resources but we knew that like us they would also make their own way. (We will always be there to help when and where we can just like our own parents and families have done for us.)

John started a new job that he really liked for the first time in many years.  I was able to achieve all “A”’s in my first semester back in college and was looking forward to summer session. The summer started just like every other summer with the exception of me taking classes this year. Summer session was a whole new ballgame for me because all of my classes were online. Whoever said online classes are easier has never taken any. J There is so much more writing and posting as opposed to classroom participation and it is hard to communicate with classmates who just quote the book. What can you really say other than “Yes, I read that too!” L Even with all of that it was going great and it was a waiting game for these precious grandbabies of ours. We knew that we were going to have one new grandson and our first and only granddaughter, so far.

Then on June 12, 2013, a very impatient little boy, Ethan Isaiah Hurley, came into the world and he was perfect.  Another perfect little boy for Jonna & Jean Luc and we were so excited. Miah became a big brother and he was so excited too.  Ethan is an absolute sweetheart and can light up any room no matter how dark.  I adore that little toothless grin and sweet face along with the face of his big brother.

Now we were just waiting to see that little girl and all would be right in our worlds. I discovered once again just 10 short days after one of the best days of 2013 that fife is never what you expect or plan and just how fragile it really can be. What started off without happiness and excitement turned to overwhelming grief and loss so profound that I still have moments that I can’t seem to breathe. On June 21, 2013, Cody and his beautiful Paige became the parents of a beautiful perfect little girl who entered this world silently. We only were blessed with a few hours of holding, touching, singing to her, telling her stories about her daddy and loving her on this earth before they took her one last time. While her stay was so brief it has impacted my heart forever and I am forever changed by her short visit here.  I will love our little angel girl, Payton Elise Carter, to heaven and back ~forever and always! ~

If that was all that had happened this year it would truly have been more than enough but so much more was to come. In August, John and I moved to a new apartment and for the first time in almost 28 years, we are living alone. We either had roommates or children before so it has been an adjustment more for me because I love the chaos of a full house while he prefers the quiet and just us. J  Things seemed to be moving on as it does in life and while you never forget for a moment those who are not with you; you have to move forward even when you do not think you can or that you want to. I think that we were starting to do that when another tragedy struck us our family and more specifically our Cody.  His former girlfriend and the mother of his now five year old son, Jessica was killed in a drunken driving incident; I will never think of it as an accident because drinking and then driving is a choice in my mind. Even though they were not a couple any longer, she was and will always be the mother of his son and she will forever be that the young teenage girl who could eat more than all of the boys in the room and still be a size “0”. So we grieve for “what could have been’s” for her and her family but most of all for Cameron who is without his mommy.  It is ironic that this very day would have been her 24th birthday and she would have most likely have been out celebrating it with family and/or friends. I hope that she still is doing just that tonight in heaven. Cody is now in a custody battle with her mother and we pray that it comes to an end soon into the New Year so that Cammy J can have everyone love and support him and not just a select few. I pray that her family can see that we all need to raise him together and not be a divided front for him.

I write this all mainly for myself, but if you are still reading this then God Bless you as you are truly special for doing so.  J  Now for what I am hoping for in 2014 and forward. (These are my beliefs and I do not force them on anyone else –again it is for me but if you share in those beliefs then I am happy for you.)

In 2014,

1. I want to make sure that God is first and foremost in my life because I believe that without him there is no hope.

2. I want to learn to be a supportive parent without trying to “Fix” everything that I think my children are not doing right. (That is going to be hard for me because I only want the best for all three of them and it is hard to watch them go down roads that you have already traveled without trying to help them avoid the mistakes you made. But I must try.)

3. Stop getting my feelings hurt when they are not appreciative of things that I do. ( I honestly am not sure that I ever told my parents or John’s “Thank you” for all that they have done for us over the years.)

4. Keep working on getting the best grades that I can in school and to graduate this summer.

5. Spend more time with family and friends ~both near and far~ and to let them all know how much they mean to me. No one knows how much time we have with those we love and I plan on telling them how much they mean so that if and when the time comes that they are not here on earth that I will not regret not telling them how I felt about them.

For anyone still reading, I wish you a Happy, Happy, Happy 2014!

Barb

Six months and still hurting like it was today

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Hello my sweet angel girl,

I have not been on here for a while not because I do not think about you every waking moment. I have tried to keep myself busy with school and your cousins but it does not take away my missing you my sweet princess. I try to hide the mind numbing but not soul or heart numbing pain that I forever feel from your loss. As I watch Ethan making those little strides and milestones that you should have been making along side of him it is just a constant reminder of what has been lost forever to us. Everything is different and nothing feels the same. The joy, the happiness and the hope that was always so ever present is so hard to find. So many times, I just want to plead to be with you again and to hold you again. To just touch you again and to have you feel warm in my arms and not so cold. I still feel that coldness in my arms and I want to SCREAM for it to all still be a nightmare that I will eventually wake up from but I do not.  I had planned to spend the day with you at your place today but the rain and cold kept me a way. I wanted to give you your Christmas present and read you The Night Before Christmas. I wanted to sing Christmas carols and tell you what Christmas is really all about but I suppose that you know that better than even I do now.

I try to take comfort in knowing that you are celebrating every milestone and every day with Jesus. I am just so jealous baby girl because I want you to be here with your beautiful mommy and your so handsome daddy. They are still reeling and not able to move forward. We do not see or talk to them like we always did before you left us even though I try too. I am not even sure if they will be here for Christmas or if they will be staying home. It is all of the not knowing that is the hardest. Not knowing how your big brother is doing now that his mommy is there in heaven with you, not knowing if your mommy and daddy are okay, not knowing if and when your Aunt Jonna will be moving away with your cousins and if they will be alright, not knowing if your Uncle Jerrod will be able to get a new job soon or what will happen with him because he is so far away from home and then lots of things going on with your pappy. I know that you know and are watching over all of them and I thank you for sweet angel baby for that.

I just needed my Payton Elise time today. It does not seem like six months have passed because I still relive your loss every Thursday night and every Friday since you came and went so quietly. Nanny misses you so-so much sweetheart. I love you to heaven and back ~forever and always!~ 

As always and forever,

Your Nanny

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Restore Me -by…

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Restore Me -by Barbara Divelbliss-Carter (Payton’s Nanny)

Trying to sleep late last night this came into my head and would not go away until I wrote it down. Maybe it is something that I needed and maybe it came from you to me. Either Way I am sharing it.

The Darkness tries its’ best to pull me in but I cannot live without your light.

Pull me back from the ledge that I am standing on.

Make all the wrongs in my world right again.

My faith has been shaken and rocked to its’  foundation but I know it is still there.

I can feel it deep down inside of me and I know that is where my strength lives.

Lost within myself with all this hurt and pain.

I need new life breathed into my heart and soul so that I can be whole again.

Renew my faith in you Dear God ~ That is what I pray – Your are the only truth, the only light and the only way! ~

Faith Restortation

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The Darkness tries it’s best to pull me in but I cannot live without your light. I need your guidance Lord and I am trying to hold on so tightly to your promise. Things seems to be getting harder and harder for those that I love. My fear is getting the better of me and it starts to pull me to places that I have never been and do not want to go. This is not me and this is not what you want for me, from me, nor does it honor my sweet angel girl. Pull me through this Lord. This is the time when I need to see the set of footprints in the sand as you carry me until I can stand alone again.

Help me win this fight over the darkness that wants to consume me. Restore me and my faith father, this is my plea. I BELIEVE and hold on with all my might.  You ARE the TRUTH, You ARE the LIGHT, and You ARE the WAY! (The only way)

I believe.

Never Forgotten for even one moment!

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Hello My Sweet Angel Girl,

I have tried to stay away from this page because it brings me both comfort and pain. The comfort in putting my feelings out there for you to know and in the same vein that is where the pain comes in. The pain of not watching those milestone moments with you and watching you become the fierce and fiery little girl that I know you would become. It has been almost 4 months and there is not a day nor an hour when I am awake that I am not thinking about you. It consumes me sometimes and it is really hard to walk away from the grief. Whoever said it gets easier really cannot speak for everyone. I have gotten better at hiding it from most people but it is certainly not easier. I do not know if it is this way because of Jess passing so soon after you and that it is just unreal and seems so unfair to me that two beautiful and young girls are no longer here. I took flowers to the crash site a few days ago and the tears still flow every time that I think of her there in the dark. The not knowing is sometimes worse than the knowing. I can only hope that it was immediate and that she did not feel anything or have time to think of anything. I pray that one minute she was in the car with Cory and the next she was in heaven. That is my hope for all who go too soon but especially those that I love. 

Your mommy and daddy finally moved and packed up your little things. They have them all stored in boxes in the apartment. They are going to try to get a house after the beginning of the year now. The house that they were going to get did not pass all of the inspections and they took that as a sign that they needed to wait. Plus with not knowing if your big half-brother will be living with them or not was another factor. They want to include him in the move and making a new place for them all. I asked Jess to watch over you and help us so that your mommy and daddy can watch over Cammy J for her. I think that she would be okay with that and Cammy J needs everyone who loves him in his life now that his mommy is in heaven with you sweet baby.

The next court date is on October 21st. That was my little brother’s birthday and the day he died too plus you would have been 4 months old on that date. I am hoping that it can be a good sign and that the date will bring something good instead of bad this time. We really need something good to happen on the 21st. Anything that you can do to help us out there would be great. I worry about your daddy and mommy so much.

I love you my dearest Payton Elise Carter and I so so so miss you!!

I love you to Heaven and back ~Forever and always!~

As always,

Your Nanny