Happy 4th Birthday/Angelversary Sweetheart

Happy 4th Birthday/Angelversary Payton Elise!! Such a bittersweet and beautiful day today has been my love. Woke up this morning feeling a little melancholy but a joyfulness because it is your special day replaced that feeling. I left work a few hours early and met your Aunt Jonna, and your cousins – Miah, Ethan, and Jaxon at Bear Creek Cemetery. We sang happy birthday, played with silly string, left you some presents, and had Minion Cupcakes. We sent birthday messages to you on Balloons that we released. (Although Ethan said that he did not think that Payton & Heaven needed the Red Balloon..he did release it. 🙂 ) I went to Baylor Grapevine Hospital as I do every year and said a prayer in the Chapel and wrote in the prayer book. I also got a baby girl outfit and put it in a gift bag with a tag in Honor of your birthday and to celebrate the birth of a brand new baby girl at the hospital. There had only been boys born when I was there but the L & D Nurses promised that the 1st baby girl born today or just the next one born there would receive this gift. Hope she is born today but either way hope this mystery family is blessed. I think that you would approve of the day and how you have been celebrated.  Your mommy & her friends sent you birthday balloons and wishes too. So many people love you and celebrate your special day. I hope you able to see each and every wish and gesture of love sweet angel girl. 

Until the next time…I love you ~Forever & Always – To Heaven & Back~

All my love baby girl,

Always Your Nanny ❤

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Hello My Sweet Angel

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Hello my sweet angel girl,

Nanny is having a tough day today and missing you like crazy. Not that I don’t miss you like crazy everyday but today I went to a funeral for a 9 year old girl and it’s Thursday. I will never in a million zillion years understand why or the purpose behind losing a child to death. Watching and hearing the anguish and heartbreak is just too much today. Your 4th birthday is just around the corner and it still feels like yesterday when we lost you to heaven.

Just needed a little Payton & Nanny time this afternoon. I love you baby girl and always will. Please watch out for Julissa Abby Hernandez ~5/22/08 -6/05/17 and be her friend. She will be the one smiling and singing Selena songs. Love you to heaven & back ~Forever & Always~ Your Nanny ❤ ❤ ❤

Happy 3rd Birthday/Angelversary

Happy 3rd birthday/angelversary my love, Payton Elise Carter. Nanny misses you so much today. I have not written on here in a long while because I keep feeling like it is holding me back from healing and moving on..whatever that is supposed to mean. But this is my safe place and sanctuary to say what I am feeling and thinking that I just cannot seem to do elsewhere because I am supposed to be the strong one. I still want to scream at people who tell me that it will get better and that you are in a better place. What better place is there than with your mommy, daddy, and family who love you? (That is my illogical heart and mind speaking.) I know that you ARE where we all want to be one day and that you are even more beautiful than I remember. You are perfect and whole. You are surrounded by nothing but love and you will never know grief or heartbreak. I am so thankful for that. Your Auntie Jonna thinks that Ethan’s birthday is forever tainted by your death but he is what helps me get up in the mornings. Watching him is bitter sweet because I think of every milestone, every sweet little hug, kiss, or squeezes and I think of you doing the same. When he discovers something new about the world, I wonder if you would have discovered it too or would you have already done so. Nine days…and such a different path our lives took. The highest of highs on June 12th when Ethan was born and the lowest of lows on June 21st when you entered beautifully but silent. So much has happened and so much has changed but the one constant is that we are forever changed and forever broken by your loss. I want to put on a happy face and to pretend that I am not still so devastated but I can’t. I try my best for the world because they do not really want to see or know this pain. I do not wish it on anyone for anything. I reach out and pray to God because he knows this hurt and loss because he gave his only son for all of us sinners. Because of that you now live with him in paradise. That is what gets me through today and all of the others between now and when we are together again. I will be going to our place later today and sending you your birthday balloons. I hope they reach heaven. I love you my sweet angel girl. Forever  and Always ~To Heaven & Back!~ All my love. As always, Your Nanny

Happy New Year Sweetheart! ~2015~

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Hello my angel girl,

What a celebration you must have had at Christmas and to celebrate this new year of our lord. So much has happened since I wrote last but you already know it all because you have been there with us. Your baby brother, Easton Maddox Carter, arrived on October 8th. Of course his arrival was not without some fear and some drama. Thank you for watching over him, your mommy, and your daddy. My prayers for loud cries filling the room were answered and he is still very vocal when he wants something. He is so handsome and I see some of you in him too. I know that he knows you and that when I talk about you he listens and looks around for you. Pappy is getting better every day. Your Aunt Jonna finished her Medical Assistant certification, your mommy is getting ready to start a brand new job/career on the 19th and I still am worried about your daddy. He still hasn’t been the same since losing you. I want my baby boy back but he is still pulling away from all of us. He is a shell of who he used to be. All of the light, love, life is ebbing further away from him and I am so worried. When I try to talk to him about it all he becomes very defensive and I know that he argues with your mommy about it too. Please wrap your sweet little arms around him and let him know he needs to get help and that you are okay. I have a lot of hopes for 2015 and I am trying to stay positive even in the face of adversity. There are so many other little angels joining you in heaven and I will never understand why it has to be this way but I ask that these families are surrounded and given the love, support, and comfort that the Lord has supplied to us. I hope that you all are playing together and watching over us all until we are together again. Say Hello to Jess, Uncle Donnie, Haley House and all of my other family & friends that are there with you my sweet baby.

Nanny loves you to Heaven and Back ~Forever & Always!~

As always,
Your Nanny
P.S.
Some pictures of your family (less Cammy J)
Easton Maddox Carter

Easton wearing his big brothers outfit

Mommy, Daddy, & Easton -First Family Photo

Anxiously waiting for Easton Maddox Carter to arrive

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Hello my darling angel girl,

It has been a while since I have written anything but we talk every day. So much has happened and I know that you have been with me the entire time giving me strength, comfort and peace from above. Pappy’s heart attack, surgery, rehab, then back for the second surprise surgery and some set backs but he is finally on the road to recovery. It was scary for a while. More so than I let anyone else know but I knew that we were not alone and that he was being watched over by you and other family members. Thank you baby girl!

Now we are waiting for your baby brothers arrival on Wednesday. We are excited, nervous, a little scared of all that could happen, all of the things that we never even thought about before you our sweet girl. Please help to keep him safe, healthy, happy, and most of all loud and alert when he arrives so we all can rejoice. I know that you hand picked him for your mommy and daddy so he will be all that they hope for and more.

Kiss him one more time and then send him on his way to us to love and raise.

Nanny loves you Payton Elise Carter!!! To heaven and back ~Forever & Always~!!

As always,

Your Nanny

The Hits Just keep coming sweetheart :(

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My darling angel girl,

Nanny is heartbroken yet again for your daddy. His attorney told him that there is no way for him to get custody of your big brother because he just cannot keep paying to fight. The judge in the case keeps denying all of the attorney’s motions and your daddy is just so defeated. If he does not go and sign a paper voluntarily to give up his rights to Cameron then on Monday when the trial would start if the judge decides against him (his attorney said that she is going to do just that) then he will have to pay between 15,000 and 20,000 in attorney fees for their side plus all court costs. This all in addition to what he has already spent. So it comes down to money.

I am finishing my degree this month in a field that I no longer believe in or trust. I always thought that if you told the truth and tried you best that you had a fair chance with our system of justice. Flawed as it is..I was so naïve to believe in it and the process and rule of law. But now I know what a delusional fool I have been. There is NO justice here on earth. If there were then we would be with your brother now. All of us, his mommy’s family, your daddy and all of our family too. Instead he loses both of his parents before the age of 6. All because one side is vindictive and cruel. My only solace is that when he turns 17, they cannot stop us from contacting or seeing him. We will have all of the court records, the depositions, all of the correspondence to them, all of the correspondence from his mommy before her death. Then Cameron will know the truth and he will be able to decide if he wants to be a part of our lives. That does not mean that he will have to choose between us or them, because that is their style not ours. I hope that Jess’s mother lives to regret what she has done, what she has cheated him out of, but I do not think that she is capable of those or any emotions at all. She was, is, and probably always will be empty and heartless. (Just my experiences with her, I am sure others may feel differently and they are certainly entitled to feel as they do too.)

Please keep your daddy close to you and watch over your big brother, (you answer to a higher law than do we and Genie can’t keep you away), and your baby brother who is on the way in October. I miss you my princess and would trade places with you anytime so that your daddy would not be so sad. I know that God has other plans, but it still hurts and now this just does not seem fair. Then again, whoever said life is fair? Not me.

Thanks for letting nanny vent and cry a little. I love you to Heaven and Back ~Forever & Always!~

All my love as always,

Your Nanny

Happy 1st birthday my darling angel

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Hello my sweetheart,

I hope that you enjoyed your special day today. I hope you like all that we got for you especially the balloons with our messages of love to you. We sang to you and had birthday cake all in your honor little angel girl. It was a beautiful day that could have only been better if we could have seen you there but I know that you were with us and that you are back home with mommy and daddy tonight. One year ago I held you in my arms and gave you sweet kisses. I never wanted to let you go but Jesus already had you in his arms while you waited for us to all have our turns. He let you hear our stories, the little songs I sang to you, you got to see daddy and mommy hold you in their arms while they quietly wept. Even though you never made a sound or opened your beautiful eyes, the mark you left on our hearts will never fade and you will live on forever because we will share you and tell others about our beautiful silent angel.

Today was so much better than I thought it would be and God kept most of our tears away. Only when your pappy found your party hat that he so wanted you to have did we breakdown a little bit. I am sure the people in the store wonder what was wrong but no one asked or acted like anything was wrong. Now your mommy and daddy have some more precious gifts for your memory box. We will keep filling it with treasures for our princess until we join you in heaven one day. Happy 1st birthday/1st Angelversary little one!!!

We love you to Heaven and Back ~Forever and Always!~

As always your Nanny

One promised kept today

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Hello my darling angel girl,

My heart is so heavy tonight as tomorrow is your 1st Birthday /1st Angelversary. I finally forced myself to walk back into the hospital where I last held you in my arms. (I hold you in my heart forever.) I promised you that I would make sure that no other family experienced what your mommy and daddy did, at least the one thing that I could promise that is and that is that no other family would have their precious baby brought to them in that tiny white body bag. Of all the memories with you my sweet angel girl that is the only one that I wish that I could take away from your mommy and daddy. It is the one that I wish that I had not witnessed too. While it will not change things for us just knowing that because of you that no other family will witness that gives me a sense of peace. I spoke to several people and finally the right person because they are going to start immediately created a procedure that all of the staff will follow to ensure that this never happens again. We all looked at your beautiful photo’s and many of them cried with me. All I want is for no one else to have those precious few hours marred by something for insensitive. They are going to contact me when the procedure has been finalized for me to review and give feedback on it. I feel like I did something good in honor of you today like I promised that I would do. Now that this visit is over, the hardest one because this is where you were at, I am going to contact other hospitals and ask if they have a procedure in place and if not I am going to plead with them put one in place to spare other families this added grief and trauma. You give me strength and resolve to follow through little princess. I made one last stop in the hospital and that was at the chapel where I prayed last year and begged God to please let you be okay. I even found what I had written in the prayer book. Someone had written that they were praying for us on 6/26/13. An unknown stranger who cared and it warms my heart. I wrote in the book again today and I hope that if someone reads it that it gives them hope. I love you my sweet angel girl and nanny will see at our place tomorrow afternoon to celebrate your day baby girl.

I love you to heaven and back ~forever and always!~

As always,

Your Nanny 

June 12, 2013 – Happy 1st Birthday to Ethan Isaiah Hurley

Hello my darling angel girl,

Yesterday was your cousin, Ethan’s 1st birthday. He was full of smiles and giggles. His first bite of cake was a site to see. He started out slow not knowing what to do but before it was over he had cake all over him. We are going to have a little birthday party for him on Saturday. I hope that you will make some time to be there too. It was almost a perfect day. As perfect as days have been since you have went to live with Jesus. Next Saturday is your big day and Aunt Jonna has some plans to make it special for you. I am hoping that your mommy and daddy will join us but they may have their own plans for your special day. Even though we can not see you as we wish we could; we always want to share the milestones in our lives with you. I hope you were watching Ethan yesterday too.

Photo: Happy 1st birthday to my sweet grandson, Ethan Isaiah Hurley. Nanny loves you sweetpea.

I love you my sweet angel, Payton Elise, to Heaven and back ~Forever and Always~.

Sweet Angel Girl

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Whispers of angels are running around in my head.
Just hoping that one of them is you; I miss you today as I always do. A part of me hopes that will stop one day while another part hopes it never does because you my darling angel girl are unforgettable no matter how short your visit to us was.
This day, the 21st always makes me pause and I know that next month will even be harder. Your first birthday and all of the should have “been’s” but never “were’s” will haunt me. I am still trying to find my way back to a complete trust in God but I struggle and maybe I always will. I do still believe that you are with God and that I will be reunited with you one day and that provides some peace. I just cannot help wanting to be selfish and wanting you to be here, watching you grow and change. I know that you are still growing but I cannot see it now. I love you my sweet one and only granddaughter ~Payton Elise Carter~.
I love you to Heaven and Back ~Forever and Always~.
All my love –as always,
Your Nanny